Apparently Britney will have to wait, too.

Realizing that everything I do is in my control made me realize that everything I don't do is out of my control, as long as I make a conscious choice about what I do or don't. It's really difficult to stand up for your beliefs, especially when your beliefs are more like a viscous liquid, changing, rather than carved in stone. I don't know what my beliefs are. I like the idea of a higher power. It's comforting to know that someone is looking out for me. But then again, how do I know that he/she/it is doing so? With all the terrible things that happen in this world, how can a perfect being that should provide protection neglect that duty? And it seems that this so-called omnipotent being is pretty imperfect, truth be told.

I think my personal truth is that power resides in earthly beings. In you and me, hell, even an ear of corn holds power, if you think about it. The power to feed another living thing. So what's the reason? The big why we're here? I'm not talking about any new-agey shit like 'The Secret'. That stuff is horse-shit. Mainly because it's all about improving your own life. Where's the good in that? Help your fellow living things. Fuck doing stuff for yourself. I guess the point is to do it right. Live life in the correct manner. And I suppose the way you know whether or not you're doing that is by judging yourself. I judge other people all the time. But to sit down and take inventory of myself is an arduous task. I mean, who wants to do that only to determine that they suck at life? But, that's the thing, I don't think I suck at life. I think I do an alright job of living my life. I make mistakes, and I make bad choices. That's okay. I know what I need to do, and knowing is half the battle, right?

I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

I burned the roof of my mouth on the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner. It still hurts. That's pretty much the most exciting thing I've got going on right now. But anyway. . .

There are a number of things I want to write about today. The first is to compile the funny quotes, texts, and e-mails I've heard, said, received, sent in the past year. That will probably be put on hold until the end of the year. The second is to discuss temper in a historical, autobiographical context. That will probably have to wait as well, because I plan on getting pretty personal and I'm not quite ready to air all my dirty laundry and closet-residing skeletons on the internets yet. The third is my take on the new Britney Spears cd, and although it is embarrassing that I like it, much of what I admit via this blog is embarrassing. So, expect a Britney post soon, maybe today if I'm feeling inspired. And stay tuned for the former two topics at a later date. (Oh, and this was really just a chance to jot down these ideas before I forget. Sorry if I bored you.)

p.s. My life is way more awesome than yours.

This is a conversation that really, truly happened today. My friend wanted to set me up with a guy friend of hers. I saw pictures of him and expressed that I wasn't interested a while ago. (I hope that doesn't make me seem too shallow.) I thought you all would like to be privy to this conversation since misery loves company. Or in my case, the company I keep loves to revel in my misery. (Oh, and I'm not actually upset about it, this is quite honestly one of the funniest things that's happened in forever.)

"You know that guy that I was trying to fix you up with?" - my friend who shall remain nameless
"Yeah, what now?" - me
"Well, I guess he's into trannies." - friend
"Like transexuals? What the hell??" - me
"Yeah, he's like, dating one now." - friend
"I guess it probably wouldn't have worked out then." - me

(I can't make this stuff up. It's really great that I am now comparing myself to a she-male, this is super.)

Can't we all just get along?

I hate it when someone is mad at me, but won't be honest about it. I think there's a way to be truthful about your feelings without hurting anyone else's. Maybe there's not. But more than anything, expressing what you're angry about will help clarify what that actually is. And then perhaps you'll realize that your frustration isn't with me, but with yourself. I wish this would happen, but I won't speak up about it. I'm a chicken and I don't like it when people are mad at me. Just know that this is real, this is honest. And I love you even if you don't hold the same opinion of me right now.

Who the heck is reading this?

I've received a lot of views this week. Not that I completely believe the numbers, but it is odd, considering I haven't read my own blog all week. And especially since there haven't been any/many comments. Whatever.

My head hurts and I'm drinking a beer before I go to work. I'm really frustrated with work lately, and I need to find a new job, but my priority has to be school right now since the semester is almost over. But the good news is, I am totally on top of everything today. I ran a lot of errands and I am as prepared as I can possibly be for my "close-up" on Friday morning. Woo-hoo??

I also washed my sheets, because the dog apparently has incontinence issues and has peed on my bed twice in the past month. No, that wasn't a fun sensation when I awoke this morning. So I'll be sleeping alone from now on. Which might be a nice change, who knows?

But I did not shoot the deputy.

This weekend I have to go to Nashville to turn myself in. It's not terrible, I apparently had a suspended license from failing to pay a parking ticket, and then I got a misdemeanor, blah, blah, blah. Supposedly if I show up on Friday morning and pay them a bunch of money, it won't go on my record. Of course, it does involve getting mugshots taken and getting fingerprinted, and I have to be honest, I'm about to hyperventilate right now thinking about it. Luckily (?) I have a friend who had this happen to her, so I'm not quite as stressed because she told me what to expect.

Anyway, the point is, on Saturday, I'm going to be ready to stick it to the man, and I want to go out and get supremely hammered. So, if anyone wants to go with, and by anyone, I mean anyone who lives near Nashville, let me know. Because if I have a shitty time, I may not be back to visit for a long while. (You assholes know you would miss me, stop rolling your eyes.)

Indecision pretty much sums it up.

I'm very pleased to see so many of my friends really getting into the presidential election. Although I personally am befuddled by modern politics, I definitely think that there needs to be a major change in our current government, and I like that people my age actually care about this shit. I don't only like it because I'm too confused and skeptical to figure out the candidates' intents for myself, but honestly, that's part of it. Maybe we're not just a lazy generation. I mean, I'm lazy, but I can only speak for myself. . .

The times they are a-changin'.

I am happy living in Knoxville for the first time ever. If that sounds like I've been miserable this whole time, you should know that's not the case. But it's a realization I came to recently, and although it's probably been slowly coming true, I just noticed that me being happy is finally complete. When my friends came in from Nashville last weekend, I was really glad to see them leave on Sunday. And it wasn't like it has been in the past, when I was tired and them leaving equaled me getting to rest. It was like they changed awhile ago, and now, so have I. And that's okay. We're all still friends, but a lot has happened in the past year to make us grow apart. I feel like they don't understand what I'm going through in terms of this stage of my life, but for the big stuff, the overall kinds of things, they can get those. That's good enough for me. So, all in all, it was good, things are on the up and up with most of the friendships I have. It isn't like we had a bad visit, but it really made some things clear, especially my own feelings. It's okay to change if you retain what made you good in the beginning. I think that's the case here, and that makes me sad for what's gone, but excited for what's next. So it's cool, I'm cool, we're cool. Yeah.

What are you supposed to be?

I've been practicing the funny Halloween costume for as long as I can remember. (Who else would dress up like a homeless person and make sure that it was really convincing?) Today when I stumbled upon the Vice Guide to Everything, I found that someone agrees with me. The rest of it was pretty funny / offensive, too.

"Sexy Halloween costumes are lame. They are supposed to signify the woman wearing it is a hot-to-trot sexpot, but the truth is always the opposite. It's like the girl who talks about giving head all the time and then you go home with her and it's like she's chewing on a Mars Bar. If you want to find the really "sexy" (how gross is that word?) girl, go find the one who blacked out her teeth to become Alfred E. Newman."

Not that I think I'm sexy, but I don't think Halloween should be an excuse to dress like a whore. That's called Tuesday.