What I'm doin'.

Looking for a place to live. Like an apartment, or a warm box, or a van down by the river.

What I'm doin'.

Trying to figure out who did whippits off my can of hair mousse.

What I'm doin'.

Laughing every time I recall my face-wasted face-plant on Sunday night. This should not surprise or shock anyone.

What I'm doin'.

Eating ketchup-flavored potato chips dipped in ketchup. What?

I'm more excited about the good hair day I'm having.

Today, I am 25 years old. I spent the first half of my birthday doing some grown-up things. I went to the doctor to get a possible melanoma checked out. I shaved my legs. I went to the grocery and bought only the things on my list. After these things, I collected my dirty laundry. I have been putting off doing my laundry for quite awhile now. So long, in fact, that I discovered this morning that I am completely out of clean underwear. After an exhaustive search, I could only come up with one possible contender. That's right, blogosphere/ interwebs/ dear reader(s), right now I am wearing the bikini bottoms from an old bathing suit. This does not bode well for my twenty-fifth year.

From freerice.com today.

fop means:
dandy

magnum means:
large wine bottle

flense means:
strip blubber from

All in all, a very fun vocabulary day.

I believe the children are our future.

Today I went to visit a friend at work. She teaches elementary school. We were standing in the hallway as a little girl walked toward us, staring at me thoughtfully. Then she looked me square in the eyes and said, "You're pretty." After a moment of surprise, I said, "Thank you." She skipped away down the hall. My friend said, "Don't you just love coming here?"

I have no idea why anyone reads this.

This is probably going to be a boring post, but considering I haven't posted anything in almost 2 weeks, I don't really care. I haven't been depressed or whoring myself around or anything that my last post might have indicated. I've honestly been the busiest I've been in a long while. School has started and I'm taking 15 hours instead of my usual 12. (Yeah, I'm kind of a slacker as a general rule. . . What, are you new here?) I'm working 24 hours a week, which doesn't seem like a lot to me or you, probably, but I have the second highest number of hours of all the student employees, so comparatively, it is a lot.

Anyway, I have 2 teachers that I absolutely love and that almost makes up for the 3 I can't really stand. And all of my classes have material that is definitely going to challenge me. And I'm being serious when I say that I am completely excited about that. I broke my car engine the other day, but everything else is going so well, that really hasn't been too much of a big deal. It's really weird, but I think I'm a lot calmer than I used to be. I'm not sure why that is, but I'll take it. Also, I've been cooking, and in case you forgot (or never knew), I'm obsessed with red lentils. I think I've almost perfected my masoor dal (or daal or dahl or dhal) recipe, and I'll post that when I'm satisfied. Hopefully I can get to typing before the end of the month.

The wait is over.

So, I think it's a good time to explain my thoughts on the new Britney Spears album, Blackout. You can make fun of me all you want, and I don't really give a crap. I'm not going to force anyone to listen to it or like it, but I'm not going to pretend that I don't. It's not that I think that this is a seminal or even semi-important record, but it is good. As I described it to one friend, it is surprisingly, disturbingly good. That friend expressed her disappointment because she was hoping that Britney would "crash and burn". My sister, on the other hand, has been repeating the mantra, "I knew she would come back triumphant". I don't side with either of these camps, because honestly, it doesn't matter to me if Britney sells her children or sells a million records. I don't know the girl, and while her madness is certainly entertaining, it doesn't affect me one iota.

Onto the music. Although its over-production is apparent, this album is pop perfection. As far as I can tell, Britney didn't write any of the music or lyrics (and that is a pleasant surprise if you remember anything she's "written" in the past). So, basically what we have here is a former star with enough money to pay people to make her sound good. Or her label paid them, whatever. The point is, money talks, and that's the primary reason Blackout is worth a listen. There aren't any redeeming qualities to Ms. Spears' voice. But they can fix that with digitization or what-have-you. And the beats are deliciously pop-ish, and it's kind of fun how everything is done in a very cheeky, cute style.

You've probably already heard the first single, "Gimme More". I think it's great. It's not my favorite track, but it's up there. If you didn't like it, what is wrong with you? Seriously. Get over yourselves, that song is really damn good. "Radar" is also on my top list. It's really good, with some necessary voice morphing making the song that much better. What I referred to as cheeky and cute earlier could be described for this song with another 'c' adjective, cheesy. The radar blip sound effects are a bit much, but if you can laugh at the comedic effect without analyzing whether or not it's intentionally funny, you might enjoy yourselves.

"Break the Ice" is my favorite song. It contains some of the dirtiest lyrics ever, "Can you rise to the occasion? I'm patiently waiting, cause it's gettin' late, and I can't get enough. So let me get it up." Honestly, a lot of why I like this record is because I've been having some issues with myself. I've been feeling kind of unattractive lately, and because Britney is such a tramp, it kind of makes me feel better about myself. Not just because I look better in comparison, but it's kind of put me in touch with my own femininity (sorry if this is tmi). And when I heard, "once you warm up to me, I can make you feel hot," that kind of resonated with me and made me realize that I might have something to offer. I know that that sounds stupid because I just typed it, but I don't really care. This has been an self-image problem I've been dealing with and if Britney's frickin' album helped it, I'm going to give her the frickin' credit.

"Freakshow" is a nice bit of ridiculousness and enjoyable in every way. I like "Toy Soldier" if just for the intro. It's really funny and silly. "Hot as Ice" is a fabulous song and reminds me more of her early stuff. Kind of in the same vein as "I'm a Slave 4 U", if you at all know what I'm talking about. . . Also, it sounds like she's trying to channel Betty Boop. She does that in "Toy Soldier" too, it's kind of weird, but I like it. "Ooh Ooh Baby" is my second favorite song. Apparently it samples from "Happy Together" by The Turtles which you can tell, and that gives the song an upbeat mood. Last song worth talking about is "Why Should I Be Sad", if only because Pharrell produces it. And you'll be (completely disinterested) to know that he is totally on Team Britney according to Mtv's shitty review of Blackout.

So, I've only mentioned the songs I really, really like. I don't think it's necessary for me to go over everything (this post is long enough already). And I'm spent. By the way, I didn't pay for the cd, I just copied my sister's, but why don't you download a song if you're even mildly interested? If you like it, throw her a couple of bones. After all, she's got kids and dogs and a K-Fed to feed and keep in diapers. . . and a crystal meth habit that's getting kinda expensive.

I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

I burned the roof of my mouth on the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner. It still hurts. That's pretty much the most exciting thing I've got going on right now. But anyway. . .

There are a number of things I want to write about today. The first is to compile the funny quotes, texts, and e-mails I've heard, said, received, sent in the past year. That will probably be put on hold until the end of the year. The second is to discuss temper in a historical, autobiographical context. That will probably have to wait as well, because I plan on getting pretty personal and I'm not quite ready to air all my dirty laundry and closet-residing skeletons on the internets yet. The third is my take on the new Britney Spears cd, and although it is embarrassing that I like it, much of what I admit via this blog is embarrassing. So, expect a Britney post soon, maybe today if I'm feeling inspired. And stay tuned for the former two topics at a later date. (Oh, and this was really just a chance to jot down these ideas before I forget. Sorry if I bored you.)

p.s. My life is way more awesome than yours.

This is a conversation that really, truly happened today. My friend wanted to set me up with a guy friend of hers. I saw pictures of him and expressed that I wasn't interested a while ago. (I hope that doesn't make me seem too shallow.) I thought you all would like to be privy to this conversation since misery loves company. Or in my case, the company I keep loves to revel in my misery. (Oh, and I'm not actually upset about it, this is quite honestly one of the funniest things that's happened in forever.)

"You know that guy that I was trying to fix you up with?" - my friend who shall remain nameless
"Yeah, what now?" - me
"Well, I guess he's into trannies." - friend
"Like transexuals? What the hell??" - me
"Yeah, he's like, dating one now." - friend
"I guess it probably wouldn't have worked out then." - me

(I can't make this stuff up. It's really great that I am now comparing myself to a she-male, this is super.)

My unimportant two pence.

Maybe it's just because I know too many hipster boys, but all I've heard about lately is the new Radiohead album. Well, I've downloaded it, too, so I thought I'd weigh in, even though no one reads this, and even if they did, they wouldn't care. Also, I know shit about music, and am definitely not hip, so don't take what I write here as gospel, and don't assume that I at all know what I'm talking about.

First of all, how fucking smart are they to have it available as pay what you want? I mean, that really touched this tightwad's heart. And, if I loved it, I would pay the regular price for the discbox, and it's always a good thing to get paid twice. They get some money from people who aren't really fans, but they're also certain to get the full cost from the super-duper fans. It's a brilliant maneuver and hopefully, a lesson to the music industry who are always whining like little babies about how they don't make enough money.

But I digress. I've listened to In Rainbows twice, and I'm just not sure. I think that the opening song, is actually kind of weak. I mean, it's cool and all, just not really what I expected them to choose to set the tone for this long-awaited album. Bodysnatchers, hmm, this one is just really confusing. Once the instrumentation changes, (2 minutes into the track??) I really like it, I guess I just like half the song. . . Anyway, redemption comes with Nude. This song is fucking gorgeous, and reminds me of what I originally loved about Radiohead. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi I'm trying hard to like. (That sounds bad.) I don't even really dislike it, I guess I just think it's the reverse of the problem with Bodysnatchers. It gets weird about halfway through, and then I don't like the rest of it. All I Need is a good song, albeit somewhat boring. Faust Arp is a nice choice for a short, simple interlude, although a little complexity wouldn't hurt, but Reckoner is a pretty big deal to introduce, now that I think about it. And actually, since I'm listening to this album for the third time as I type this post, I kind of think that Reckoner is one of the best things I've heard in a while. And I like the last three songs, so I guess I actually do like this album. A lot. Also, I think I need to be high the next time I listen to it.

Basically, I think that Kid A is Radiohead's best album, and no matter how many times I listen to it, I am always surprised by how good it is. (Well, some days I like The Bends better, not gonna lie.) But the more I listen to In Rainbows, the better it is, so I think that although it wasn't the epiphanic experience that Kid A was, it is an impressive addition to the repertoire. Maybe the moral of the story is that the fans' expectations rise way too high when they have to wait a long time for a new record. So, yeah, get to it. With a little speed, s'il vous plait.

You look half-dead half the time.

I'm awake. It's sorta late. I'm avoiding typing up my Geology notes for a study guide by goofing around on the internets. I have a test on Friday. I have a paper due on Thursday. I have to give a presentation on Thursday. I have to finish reading The fucking Sound and the Fury by Thursday, too. Why do I do this to myself?

Oh, and I'm also thinking up anagrams of my name. Because that's obviously important. . .

I can have oodles of charm when I want to.

It's really scary to show up for life every day and give it all you've got and be a person you actually like. But it's pretty neat, too. And I'm pleased with the state of things. Just thought you should know.

Damn, she's a little long-winded, huh?

So, I wrote a really long post about last weekend. But, in order to post it with any hope of someone reading the whole thing, I would have to do so in installments. So here's the highlights, which I think is a slightly more interesting format.

Got wasted off of one beer at a cook-out. Ate some food. Not so drunk anymore. Went out for girl's birthday. Paid my party's cover. There were only 3 of us so, no biggie. Drank some beer, took some jager bombs. Mingled with people. Bought birthday girl a shot. Danced (no, that's not a joke). Left the bar. Was kidnapped and driven to another bar. Had one drink. Bar closed. Started to go home, changed mind. Searched for house where friends were, and ended up walking all through the house next door. None of the tenants noticed. Found correct house. Drank some more. Had several deep convos. Had several dumb convos. Drove one friend to Waffle House at 5 or so. We ate. Drove home, slept for 2 hours. Woke up, showered, headed to brunch. Felt hungover like whoa. Like I was dying. Had a Guinness. Had a water. Ordered food. Had a Red Bull. Tried to eat food, almost vom'd. Had a Diet Coke. Had 2 free shots (vodka and unknown ingredients). Had a Bloody Mary. Told my friend about my new abbrev: bellig. She was way excited. Went to other birthday girl's house to prep for party. Took a nap instead of helping. Woke up. Downed some caffeine. Helped skewer veggies onto kebobs. Cleaned up a bit, started drinking. Met lots of new people. Ate before everyone else since I hadn't had any solids since Waffle House. Had a few more beers. Had a shot. Decided to go to sleep around 2:00 am. Walked up to spare bedroom. Went to pee in guest bathroom. Toilet was clogged. No toilet paper was left on the roll. Walked downstairs and told birthday girl that someone had clogged her toilet, and I was not fixing it. Went back upstairs, brushed teeth, washed face, lay down. Awakened at about 2:30 by a ruckus. Apparently, the downstairs toilet was clogged too. Wait no, every toilet in the house was clogged. Great. Waited for a boy to unclog the original problem toilet. Went back to sleep. Woke up at 7:30. Headed to dad's house for Father's Day breakfast. Had some coffee (nectar of the gods) and a bagel. Drove back to Knoxville and went straight to work.

There was also a lot of telling complete strangers my life story, et cet, but we don't need to get into that. Oh, and p.s., experiencing last weekend was more interesting than my shit retelling.

Edited to add: One other thing I can recall from the party Saturday night was this guy talking about how his Guitar Hero game had broken. "I can't rock out on it anymore. I remember this one time. I really rocked out on it." He also called me Kelly at some point. Don't worry though, he apologized.

This is why I love watching movies on tv.

I'm watching Office Space on E! tonight. I love how they alter the curse words.

"Freak! We're in deep slime."
"We are in deep slime."

But they can still say, "pound-me-in-the-ass prison". Go figure.

Anyway, I have to head out, but I'll be in Nashville tomorrow night, apparently. I decided that after two glasses of wine. Probably not the best way, but whatevs.

Money in my pocket, but I still act trife.

So, I have a new job. In addition to my awesomely nerdy library job, I'm also working as a copy editor for the school newspaper, The Beacon. I got hired today, and much to my surprise, they're actually gonna pay me. Basically I have to edit and proofread articles, editorials, all that type of shit. There are all these formatting rules determined by the Associated Press. Like, percentages must be expressed in numeral form, not spelled out. In addition to those, the paper has produced its own rules. For instance, certain things can be expressed by an acronym in the first mention, while other things can't. I'll also have to write headlines, eventually. I have a lovely handout that gives a list of verbs that are strictly forbidden in headlines. These are: rocks, hosts, holds, offers. Why? I have no idea, the handout provides zero explanation. So, it's all very boring, and you don't need a more thorough description than the one I've already given.

But let me tell you about another amazing handout titled, "A few suggestions for copy editing." It is awesome. So hilarious. It misspells comma every single time. There's a lot of fucking information on comma use. So, guys, the most important thing that I learned from this paperwork is that I don't need to slip into a coma when completing a series. The hard part is avoiding that when reading this goddamn newspaper.

p.s. Don't think that my blog grammar is going to change. I don't proofread this shit.

Do I look like I have class?

So, it's Monday night and I'm bored, so I'm going to do my favorite thing: talk about myself. Steeplechase was definitely interesting. I don't think I'll go next year, simply because of the logistics of the event. Basically, you dress up and stand outside and drink and walk around to see who you know. Downsides are the heat and the side effects of it, namely sweating, sunburn, and um, being really fucking hot. Like, seriously, walking around is enough to kill a person. Anyway, must-have items are sunscreen, a hat, a tent, toilet paper (in case the port-a-jon is out), water, sunglasses, water, and water. Oh, and food. You drink a lot for a really long time, so you have to eat something.

If I were to go back, I would want to go with all my friends. That way, there would be less walking around and more drinking with buddies. But the thing is, that's not what you do. ("Gah, Mary!") So, what I want isn't really possible. I don't have that much influence over my friends. I can't tell them they're not allowed to leave the plot or anything like that. But it was fun when I didn't feel like I was dying. And the people who went with me were lovely and extremely fun. So, in conclusion, a good day, but it probably won't be repeated.

Eventually, tomorrow becomes yesterday.

So, tomorrow I'm going to Nashville. I'm going to a fancy horse race called Steeplechase. I think I'm the only person in the world that would refer to it as a "fancy horse race". But that's only because I'm fabulously ghetto. Anyway, I am wearing a sun hat, which is one of the few times anyone will see me in a hat. I have an issue with them because I have a small head, but I'm going to do it anyway.

Also, tomorrow is my dad's birthday. I'm not sure how old he is, I think between 55 and 60, but I honestly can't say that with any amount of certainty. I'm going to dinner with him and my stepmom, so, that's awesome. . . free meal and all.

So, one of the problems with Steeplechase (which is on Saturday), is that you drink from like 8 am on. I don't know if I can handle it. I'm bound to see some people I don't care for, and I have a hard time keeping my mouth shut. I don't dress up very often, and there's a reason for that, I'm not the most genteel person in the world. I guess we'll see whether or not I end up embarrassing myself. Should be fun. Right?

Right?

I think I'm dying.

Yeah, I am.