You may not wanna read this

because I plan on bitching about being a woman. So if you don't want to read about my uterus, leave now.

Having a period sucks. There's no way around it. It's painful, it's gross, nothing good comes from it. Here's what it's like: About a week before, I start crying for no good reason. More than once a day. I think I must just be going nuts, and then I realize what time of the month it is. It's not as though this is actually useful information, it doesn't make me want to stop crying any less, rather, it makes me feel stupid to know that the only reason I'm weeping all the time is because of my hormone levels. Then my boobs get bigger and they start hurting. And not just a little bit, like oh, I shouldn't have moved in that direction, like OH MY GOD, I JUST WANT TO GET THE GODDAMN THINGS REMOVED BECAUSE I'M JUST SITTING HERE AND MY STUPID FUCKING MAMMARY TISSUE HURTS LIKE HELL. Then I get bloated, and none of my jeans fit me anymore. Then I get hungry, and no matter how much I eat, I'm still hungry, and of course I want food like entire bags of cheese puffs and pizza and french fries and candy. Basically anything that's not actually food is what I want to eat. And I want 4 servings of it.

Now, it's not until now that the bloating appears to subside. But it's all a sham, because as soon as I think that I'm not bloated anymore, I put on my jeans and they fit fine for half the day, but then I have to unbutton them for the drive home, because I literally can't breathe. Then the cramps start, and that's when I know I'm almost at the starting line. I'm nauseated for the first half of the day. I'm not hungry at all now, because of the upset stomach. But the upset stomach gets worse, and indigestion rears it's ugly head, and then my entire abdomen starts to hurt. Then I worry that I'm hungry because I haven't eaten all day, and that's why my belly hurts. And then when I'm doubled over in pain, I realize that these are not hunger pangs, but cramps, and I have to take 3 ibuprofen and wait 30 minutes for them to kick in.

What do menstrual cramps feel like? Imagine that someone with very sharp fingernails shoved their hands into your belly. Then they picked up anything they could find, this includes your uterus and your fallopian tubes and your digestive system, and they are twisting your guts. Oh, and before they started all that, they punched you in the stomach for half an hour. So you have the lingering pain of being punched, the stabbing pain of their fingernails, and the constant twisting of your internal organs which makes you want to curl up into a ball and die. Seriously. This is not funny, this is the hell I go through once a god-forsaken month. Even though I take advil, the pain never really goes away. There's always a dull pain even when I've taken way more than I should. I don't swing into an angry mood. If I'm angry towards anyone it's because I want to take sleeping pills and sleep until the pain goes away.

And the worst part of it is, I haven't actually started my period yet. That part, I won't even get into because it's disgusting. I mean, really, how gross is that? It's not fair either. I mean, guys just have a penis, something that is external, and they can piss and ejaculate out of the same hole. Worst that can happen is they get genital warts which I have a feeling are pretty gross or the clap which will just make gross stuff come out of their dick and it'll hurt when they pee for a while. But, all of those things are if they have sex with the wrong person and contract a disease. They don't automatically happen just because they're dudes. And that's not fucking fair at all. But whatever, I'm done complaining. I guess I just want a red tent chock-full of pain pills and muscle relaxants. And I'm never giving birth. And you can tell Eve I said to fuck off.