Baghdad ass up.

To all the people who have arrived here by googling the phrase "what does baghdad ass up mean" or some iteration of that:

"Baghdad ass up" is a pun. It substitutes the name of the city, "Baghdad", for the words, "back that", because they are homophones (they sound alike, but do not mean the same thing). Back That Azz Up was a popular hip-hop song released in 1999 by the rapper, Juvenile, and the phrase has been referenced many times since in pop culture. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Back_That_Thang_Up

If you don't know what a pun is or anything about popular American music, I really can't explain it to you any better than I already have.

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I've been working out lately. Which sucks for obvious reasons, but is also pretty sweet. I don't really know what my goal is. I've never been too goal-oriented, let's be real. I guess I'm like all the other women on Oprah, I want to look better naked. And in clothes. And I want to be able to pick up heavy stuff with relative ease. Okay, so I actually just want to be intimidating. I mean, for some strange reason, I'm already intimidating personality-wise. (One of my co-workers told another co-worker that she was afraid of me.) But I'd like to be intimidating in the way that I can hang with the boys. And in the way that the boys think I'm really smokin' hot. That's kind of the dichotomy that has defined my life thus far. Even though I have mostly girl friends, I've always wanted to be one of the guys. And even though I want to be one of the guys, I want to be a super-fine ice queen, too. I think I'm confused. But I'm pretty sure I can give up trying to solve this quandary and settle for being stacked. That works. But of course, this story can't be complete without a setback, albeit a miniature one. The day after I start my new regime I also start my womanly curse, and now I'm too bloated to fit in my jeans. C'est la vie or whatever.

Connect the dots.

I wonder if this is really the way it is supposed to be. Am I supposed to be here, now, doing what I'm doing, feeling how I'm feeling? What if at some point in the past I had spoken up or kept my mouth shut or done the opposite of what I did? Would my life be completely different? Or would all the pieces fall into an identical path? I'm going to be 25 this year. It feels older than it sounds. Or does it sound older than it feels? Whatever, I suddenly feel like I should be somewhere else doing something else. Again. But is anyone else any better off? Should I even compare myself to other people, isn't that kind of futile and stupid? I don't have a lot of regrets, but I think I'd be egomaniacal if I didn't have a few. I wish I'd spoken up in the past about a few things. Damage done by saying too much can be controlled. But remembering what was left unsaid is terribly depressing.

"How am I not myself?"